I opened my eyes this morning to songs playing from my ipod dock. I knew it was waaaay too early for me to be awake since the light I saw shining through my blinds were not from the sun, but from the street lamps within the complex. I continued to twist and snuggled up with my two pillows hoping I can focus on the sound of my breath and the songs playing and fall back asleep. Few minutes pass by, and I knew it was too late…thoughts started swirling in my mind, one thought of wondering what time it was, lead to another thought of wondering if I should eat the bagged ribs I got from Brother Namchang’s house or just cereal for breakfast. I was thinking if I eat the ribs, then I will skip lunch and hit the gym during lunch time and finish off the ribs at home for dinner. So on and so forth, and I knew my brain was at a point of no return, no return to turning off and going back to sleep. I had to get up now. DAMN IT. I walk over to see what time it was, and it was 4:17. DAMN IT. Not all that bad, considering I went to sleep before 10, but still, I always wondered what 8 to 10 hours of sleep feels like. Anyways, I skipped out on the ribs, and decided to go to the gym. :)
Here’s where I know God is working in my life. This past Sunday, I shared a testimony with all the brothers and sisters about my self-willed ways of being disobedient to the church and counsel from other brothers, and this morning I found my self once again, willing to follow in my flesh and not of my inner spiritual conscience. I had 2 choices to make when I started getting up from bed. I had 2 different “itchings” in my heart. The first was of the flesh, in passing off the hearty breakfast meal of rice and kimchi with ribs and just going to the gym for a quick workout. The second and more compelling yearning was of the spirit within, of wanting to get on my knees on the floor and putting my hands together on my bed and praying to God and starting my day off, talking to God and reading the bible. I kid you not, every day, at least once, every single day, I get these aforementioned “itchings” in my heart of the spirit, ideas, that start about with just calling someone up asking them if they want to have fellowship. Soon this simple idea starts going full bloom into mental pictures of gathering with all the youth at our church who isn’t saved, and having the kind of fellowship the adults enjoy at our church. A true fellowship where despite certain worldly discomfort, all the brothers sit, eat, share in one faith and in one common love, that of Jesus Christ, our savior with humility and the attitude of servitude. Then I quickly dismiss this idea and the wonderful images drawn up in my head and follow the less compelling yearnings of the flesh. It’s easier. It’s easier because I lack faith. No faith. God is working in my life. Through these constant disobediences, I realize why I live. I realize what it means to have a purpose in my life. It’s not to stay in good physical shape, but to allow the spirit within to control my behavior. I didn’t take heed and obey, but still knowing I have this within is in itself quite a delight. This is grace. Again, “a thousand times I fail, still your mercy remains, should I stumble again, and I’m caught in your grace…”
It’s said in Mark, that with faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. The message delivered this past Sunday was that you can have ALL the desires of your heart if you abide in him. I know why I haven’t attained all the desires of my heart. I don’t even follow the desires of my own heart, I follow the desire of my flesh. Still…it’s really a blessing to know despite all the failures of what you do in deeds, you still have Jesus abiding in your heart. Day after day, giving you ideas and opportunity to receive blessings from God….all you have to do is follow through with your flesh. One simple idea given to you by God can turn into a spectacular event of a million blessings, a relocation of an entire mountain, the ultimate glory being returned to God, all you need is faith….as small as a mustard seed. I feel very blessed. I’m humbled every day by what’s abiding in my heart and the spiritual urges I receive. I know I don’t obey most times, but I also know this will never be taken. Hopefully, one day, I can take control of my flesh, and have my heart(Jesus) move my arms and legs, to do work by his precious will. May my will be broken. May my flesh and will be of my Heart.
God Bless.
Brother jimmy
PS
I think the movie Inception, with it's conept of implanting ideas not of your own is very real. I know the ideas i get in gaining spirtually is not of my own, but of the holy spirit within. Overall i think the movie is a bit overhyped, i give it a strong 8 out of 10. nothing spectacular, personally, christopher nolan's other moive, dark knight was definitely better.
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