You think you have friends. You think the world would welcome you back with a smirk and an ice cold beer, wearing a white tank top and tight blue jeans with long hair with streaks and earrings…..but no. Nope, nah, never. My former self, still relentlessly pursuing a false joy I used to feel from just hanging out talking about stupid things with other spiritually mindless people has emerged in recent weeks, being attacked by a roaring lion, and almost being dragged out to be consumed by vultures flying above. I spent the night, hot as heck, unable to comfortably fall asleep with thoughts of sin and sin and sin….I twist, I lay my head sideways, front, back, every which way on my pillow to find that cool spot that would stay cool just long enough for me to fall asleep, then I realize I didn’t wash out the gel from my hair and have now managed to massage every part of my face and neck on gel residue from my hair. Great. Awesome, not only can’t I fall asleep, but I’m adding dirt and oil to an already stressed out complexion and blemished skin. This is the kind of never ending cycle of thoughts that sprout up in my mind at nights. Especially these past two weeks. So what exactly is it that’s f-ing with something I hold most precious, my sleep? What I’m I lacking that’s causing me to add a few more zits and subsequent blemishes to my skin? It’s protection. I’m not protected.
I have something that money can’t buy. True fellowship. It’s available to me to use Monday through Sunday, day or night. I really do.
I spent the entire week not having fellowship with anyone other than a couple of co-workers during lunch. I realize I can’t even go a single week without seeing my brothers and sisters at least once without becoming an insomniac. This initially was depressing and joyful at the same time. Now, I’m accepting the fact that the depressing feeling comes only because I’m stupid and blind to the utter dismay the supposed “joys” of the world will eventually lead to. People may look happy and content, but I think they all have a sense of fear deep within. I thought about it, and I don’t have this fear. The joyful feeling comes from knowing, I share a bond with the brothers and sisters at my church that can’t be comprehended by my worldly friends(the few that I still talk to once in a while). They just don’t know, and I strayed, intentionally I may add, from this spiritual protection. Without this protection, I let myself become indulgent to my flesh and because of it I’ve been having an awful week. No protection. Fellowship offers me such a reminder of the kind of heart I’ve been given through the holy spirit, that I use to fight myself from falling and failing. I was once again reminded of this in the morning. For some reason, I woke up, after staring at my clock flashing 3:31 at 7:07 thinking I need to go to fellowship tonight. (I had planned not to go to anything church related till Sunday) It’s the protection of love, and I desperately need it before I catch myself sinking deeper and deeper back into my worldly habits. I have protection, and I will put it to use. I realized how much of a protected person I am through God.
It’s crazy, the will of God. I mean, I vowed to myself that I would go this whole week without seeing any of the brothers and sisters, and it drove me nuts. Even when I want to go towards the path of wickedness….i can’t! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!! I’m stuck with love, righteousness, and the words of God!
I realize this may not make much sense to some, but I’m guided by Jesus whether my flesh wills me to do otherwise. Like whoa. It’s only been a matter of days, and I miss church. See you when I see you.
Thank you Lord.
God Bless.
Brother Jimmy.
Psalms 37
1 Do not fret because of evildoers,
Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.
2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,
And wither as the green herb.
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
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