Fire, Fire, Fire!!!

I have a few co-workers that I have lunch and fellowship with every once in awhile. One of them dropped by my desk today and gave me a gift, a book called “Grace for each Moment”. Wow…
She thinks I’m being too hard on myself at times. (thanks for reading the blog) Wow…
It’s not all that surprising, to know God hears you and uses others to shine his light upon the darkness that seeps in through the holes I create in my spiritual life.

The past Sunday was a wonderful day of passages being shared, new souls being introduced to the church, and good fellowship, topped off by some lemonade at the local Denny’s with a few sisters and brothers. The get together at Denny’s is always really interesting. When I don’t sit quietly and observe, I sometimes fall into my own trap of failing to see beyond the flesh, which inevitably causes me to judge or catch “non-spiritual” feelings towards a brother or a sister…..and this feeling, whether good or bad, always distracts my focus from the soul and the love thereof. The soul that’s dwelled by Christ is what I need to be giving my attention to and whenever the conversation veers towards the world, it discourages me spiritually. I like to avoid all worldly social gatherings between brothers and sisters for the most part, but I can see how this is what people need in their lives, especially the youth. I’m sure through these gatherings, a lot of them gain or add to their spiritual lives. I, on the other hand allow myself to get discouraged when I see and or talk to people who I have no common worldly traits with, with whom I would undoubtedly be separated from within society without Jesus, the connection I have with the brothers and sisters of our church is only through Christ and when we get away from this, I feel disconnected. I feel like I belong elsewhere, compounding this feeling is the fact that I had a very dissimilar upbringing, a contrary life style to the background the others seem to have been raised in, and these thoughts lead me to want to go find another church. It’s more than just cultural differences I feel.

I’ve been really, really, meditating upon the passage in John 15 for the past few days. Abiding in Jesus and him abiding in you is something that’s kept me marginally content in what would otherwise have been a time of silly contemplations, and wasteful use of brain power and precious time. I try to wake up listening to Christian music and get out of bed to pray before I’m fully awake. (don’t get me wrong I don’t always do this) I think the moment we find ourselves being unable to see pass the flesh and judge one another through our fleshly eyes, we give a little bit of hope to Satan. With this hope he sparks a match to ignite the flames that can consume our hearts within hours and days. I think it’s important to always remember that the person you encounter, converse with, pass by on the road while driving… to keep in mind the soul that’s underneath. If you can’t compel yourself to have love for that soul, then I would find it hard to conclude that you have received and accepted the love of Jesus. When there’s smoke, there’s fire. You gotta make sure you blow out even the smallest of Satan’s matches before you become spiritually blinded by the smoke. We have Jesus. I have Jesus. For this, I can never be truly sad. How fawgin’ awesome is that?!

Don’t stop, keep going. Underneath the clothes, the skin, the mindless talks, and the corny jokes lies a soul. Hate it or love it, be consumed by the fire or be saved from it. 

God Bless and a big, teary-eyes thank you to my lord and my savior, Jesus Christ.

Brother jImmy

 

July 22, 2010

Dear my blog,
Today I ate ribs and rice for breakfast and vowed to myself that I would go to the gym during my lunch hour, skip out on eating and run 2 miles.

Lunch time came around and I ended up driving home to finish off the ribs I didn’t finish in the morning. I didn’t even drink any water. I just ate, felt like finishing off the stuffed feeling with an ice cream bar and laid down on my sofa to catch a quick nap before heading back to work. Before completely falling asleep, I felt myself drooling as I started to doze off…then the phone rang, and I had 10 minutes to get back to work. I had the best 15 minutes of sleep before being awakened by my phone. Blog, I hate being awakened when in the middle of a good nap, but it was needed. God had a purpose for the phone call.

One of my friends called and asked me if I can accompany him to a youth rehab center, where his brother was serving a court order stay. He refuses and argues with me every time I ask him about seeking God in his life, but I guess he feels like maybe his brother may be in need of this God I testify of. I’m going to visit him on Friday, I just hope God will be with me and that I can be of use for his glory. Blog, thank you for providing me, a canvas where I can express and paint a picture of the weak spiritual life and daily conflict I am subjected to by the world. This world will not defeat me because I have a promise and a God who will be there for me, if only I can truly become reliant and submissive to the inner principles engraved in my heart by Jesus and the scriptures.

Till next time Blog.

jimmy

The Flesh and Will of My Heart

I opened my eyes this morning to songs playing from my ipod dock. I knew it was waaaay too early for me to be awake since the light I saw shining through my blinds were not from the sun, but from the street lamps within the complex. I continued to twist and snuggled up with my two pillows hoping I can focus on the sound of my breath and the songs playing and fall back asleep. Few minutes pass by, and I knew it was too late…thoughts started swirling in my mind, one thought of wondering what time it was, lead to another thought of wondering if I should eat the bagged ribs I got from Brother Namchang’s house or just cereal for breakfast. I was thinking if I eat the ribs, then I will skip lunch and hit the gym during lunch time and finish off the ribs at home for dinner. So on and so forth, and I knew my brain was at a point of no return, no return to turning off and going back to sleep. I had to get up now. DAMN IT. I walk over to see what time it was, and it was 4:17. DAMN IT. Not all that bad, considering I went to sleep before 10, but still, I always wondered what 8 to 10 hours of sleep feels like. Anyways, I skipped out on the ribs, and decided to go to the gym.  :)

Here’s where I know God is working in my life. This past Sunday, I shared a testimony with all the brothers and sisters about my self-willed ways of being disobedient to the church and counsel from other brothers, and this morning I found my self once again, willing to follow in my flesh and not of my inner spiritual conscience. I had 2 choices to make when I started getting up from bed. I had 2 different “itchings” in my heart. The first was of the flesh, in passing off the hearty breakfast meal of rice and kimchi with ribs and just going to the gym for a quick workout. The second and more compelling yearning was of the spirit within, of wanting to get on my knees on the floor and putting my hands together on my bed and praying to God and starting my day off, talking to God and reading the bible. I kid you not, every day, at least once, every single day, I get these aforementioned “itchings” in my heart of the spirit, ideas, that start about with just calling someone up asking them if they want to have fellowship. Soon this simple idea starts going full bloom into mental pictures of gathering with all the youth at our church who isn’t saved, and having the kind of fellowship the adults enjoy at our church. A true fellowship where despite certain worldly discomfort, all the brothers sit, eat, share in one faith and in one common love, that of Jesus Christ, our savior with humility and the attitude of servitude. Then I quickly dismiss this idea and the wonderful images drawn up in my head and follow the less compelling yearnings of the flesh. It’s easier. It’s easier because I lack faith. No faith. God is working in my life. Through these constant disobediences, I realize why I live. I realize what it means to have a purpose in my life. It’s not to stay in good physical shape, but to allow the spirit within to control my behavior. I didn’t take heed and obey, but still knowing I have this within is in itself quite a delight. This is grace. Again, “a thousand times I fail, still your mercy remains, should I stumble again, and I’m caught in your grace…”

It’s said in Mark, that with faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. The message delivered this past Sunday was that you can have ALL the desires of your heart if you abide in him. I know why I haven’t attained all the desires of my heart. I don’t even follow the desires of my own heart, I follow the desire of my flesh. Still…it’s really a blessing to know despite all the failures of what you do in deeds, you still have Jesus abiding in your heart. Day after day, giving you ideas and opportunity to receive blessings from God….all you have to do is follow through with your flesh. One simple idea given to you by God can turn into a spectacular event of a million blessings, a relocation of an entire mountain, the ultimate glory being returned to God, all you need is faith….as small as a mustard seed. I feel very blessed. I’m humbled every day by what’s abiding in my heart and the spiritual urges I receive. I know I don’t obey most times, but I also know this will never be taken. Hopefully, one day, I can take control of my flesh, and have my heart(Jesus) move my arms and legs, to do work by his precious will. May my will be broken. May my flesh and will be of my Heart.

God Bless.


Brother jimmy




PS
I think the movie Inception, with it's conept of implanting ideas not of your own is very real. I know the ideas i get in gaining spirtually is not of my own, but of the holy spirit within. Overall i think the movie is a bit overhyped, i give it a strong 8 out of 10. nothing spectacular, personally, christopher nolan's other moive, dark knight was definitely better.

Don’t Be Stupid, Always Use Protection

You think you can easily go a month without church. You think you can allow yourself to live enjoying what the world can offer you, for just a week.


You think you have friends. You think the world would welcome you back with a smirk and an ice cold beer, wearing a white tank top and tight blue jeans with long hair with streaks and earrings…..but no. Nope, nah, never. My former self, still relentlessly pursuing a false joy I used to feel from just hanging out talking about stupid things with other spiritually mindless people has emerged in recent weeks, being attacked by a roaring lion, and almost being dragged out to be consumed by vultures flying above. I spent the night, hot as heck, unable to comfortably fall asleep with thoughts of sin and sin and sin….I twist, I lay my head sideways, front, back, every which way on my pillow to find that cool spot that would stay cool just long enough for me to fall asleep, then I realize I didn’t wash out the gel from my hair and have now managed to massage every part of my face and neck on gel residue from my hair. Great. Awesome, not only can’t I fall asleep, but I’m adding dirt and oil to an already stressed out complexion and blemished skin. This is the kind of never ending cycle of thoughts that sprout up in my mind at nights. Especially these past two weeks. So what exactly is it that’s f-ing with something I hold most precious, my sleep? What I’m I lacking that’s causing me to add a few more zits and subsequent blemishes to my skin? It’s protection. I’m not protected.


I have something that money can’t buy. True fellowship. It’s available to me to use Monday through Sunday, day or night. I really do.

I spent the entire week not having fellowship with anyone other than a couple of co-workers during lunch. I realize I can’t even go a single week without seeing my brothers and sisters at least once without becoming an insomniac. This initially was depressing and joyful at the same time. Now, I’m accepting the fact that the depressing feeling comes only because I’m stupid and blind to the utter dismay the supposed “joys” of the world will eventually lead to. People may look happy and content, but I think they all have a sense of fear deep within. I thought about it, and I don’t have this fear. The joyful feeling comes from knowing, I share a bond with the brothers and sisters at my church that can’t be comprehended by my worldly friends(the few that I still talk to once in a while). They just don’t know, and I strayed, intentionally I may add, from this spiritual protection. Without this protection, I let myself become indulgent to my flesh and because of it I’ve been having an awful week. No protection. Fellowship offers me such a reminder of the kind of heart I’ve been given through the holy spirit, that I use to fight myself from falling and failing. I was once again reminded of this in the morning. For some reason, I woke up, after staring at my clock flashing 3:31 at 7:07 thinking I need to go to fellowship tonight. (I had planned not to go to anything church related till Sunday) It’s the protection of love, and I desperately need it before I catch myself sinking deeper and deeper back into my worldly habits. I have protection, and I will put it to use.

I realized how much of a protected person I am through God.

It’s crazy, the will of God. I mean, I vowed to myself that I would go this whole week without seeing any of the brothers and sisters, and it drove me nuts. Even when I want to go towards the path of wickedness….i can’t! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!! I’m stuck with love, righteousness, and the words of God!

I realize this may not make much sense to some, but I’m guided by Jesus whether my flesh wills me to do otherwise. Like whoa. It’s only been a matter of days, and I miss church. See you when I see you.

Thank you Lord.

God Bless.

Brother Jimmy.

Psalms 37

1 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.

2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

And wither as the green herb.

3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Attack of the Prowling Lion

1 Peter 5:8

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

I want to get high and drunk. I want to be oblivious.

It’s a daily battle with myself, and a losing battle more often than not. Not that I get high and drunk daily, but I don’t quite allow myself to abide in God, while fully knowing he is abiding in me. I have a deep yearning. I have this little lion that keeps jumping on my shoulder, so annoying. I grab it by its mane and twirl him away, only it keeps coming back stronger and stronger. I think it’s because I’ve gone the entire week without any fellowship…I’ve lost the protection that’s provided within fellowship, the shield that helps me with my daily battles. The devil has a way of penetrating my mind every day I get further away from church. There’s a burden and a fleshly barrier that’s keeping me from going to church right now, but I know or I hope rather sooner than later, God will show me the way.

My shortest post. I’m losing it.

God bLess.

Brother jimmy

The Lawyer Who Went to Heaven

Since a couple of years ago when Pastor instructed the Youth at our church to make a short film based on the brothers and sisters at our church, i always had in my mind to do a film based one of the brothers at our church's life and testimony.  Since, now we already did a play, i think i can scrap what i had started to write a year ago...

The Lawyer who Went to Heaven

As he has done so often in his first year with the Law Firm, he’s won another case for another important client. He’s starting to gain notoriety within the legal industry as an incredibly talented man of litigation. He has a way of uncoiling the most complicated of legal matters to work favorably for his clients with absolute ease. Simply put, there are no problems he cannot fix, there are no legal matters that he cannot handle and resolve to the benefit of his ever growing list of satisfied clientele. After he comes home from another victorious day at work, he kisses his wife’s protruding stomach and talks to his unborn child....... Harry has never been more anxious in his life as he sits in the waiting room at the hospital. Palms sweaty, legs shaking, and out of cigarettes, he is sitting at the hospital as if he is sitting in a courtroom being tried for a crime himself. Finally, a nurse steps out and announces the verdict, “it’s a girl!” He immediately breaths a big sigh of relief. He steps in and sees his wife with the little precious baby and thanks the doctors and nurses. For a brief and negligible half of a split second, he thinks of thanking a God he believes doesn’t exist for allowing his baby to be born. He quickly dismisses this thought without much consideration and continues to thank the doctor and nurses. Every immovable objects surrounding the invisible shield protecting the secure life he has created for himself seemed to come alive and share in his delight. From the walls surrounding the hospital room to the sunlight peeking through the blinds, even the clouds in the sky all seem to give off the vibe of a life worth living for, a life that is giving back for the tremendous work he has done, the days he spent without sleeping in Law School, and the countless number of hours spent reading books to better prepare himself for certain cases had begun to pay off. As he stared into the eyes of his new purpose and love in his life, he is in bliss, he has never been more happy in his entire life.


One Saturday night as the happy couple sits in the living room playing with Sylvie, they sense something isn’t right about Sylvie. As Harry gazes into the eyes of his loving daughter, she doesn’t seem to return his look of affection with the same. He ponders momentarily if in fact Sylvie realizes the person holding her up and slobbers her face daily with kisses is the one being she can always count on to love her and protect her. He feels a lack of connection between him and his daughter in a way that he can’t explain definitively. It does not matter to him at the moment, but he notices little subtle differences in her compared to other children at her age. As time passes, Harry and his wife become a bit concerned and visits a doctor and asks him to examine Sylvie. There is a MRI exam done for Sylvie and the doctor reviews the results to his utter dismay. Sylvie is diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, a mental retardation that will restrict her from developing either physically or mentally. The doctor calls Harry and his wife to come in to discuss Sylvie.

It’s the holiday season and in the midst of this very busy time of the year, Harry and his wife has yet to do their holiday shopping out of concern for their daughter. Upon receiving the call from the doctor and unaware of the condition of their daughter, they planned a trip to the local mall to finish up their holiday shopping after the doctor’s appointment, assuming there was nothing wrong with Sylvie. As they pass by the shops on their way to the doctor’s office, they each think of what they would like to purchase for one another. Harry had been planning on a vacation to the Caribbean for some spear fishing and boating. His wife had placed her heart on a set of a beautiful family bracelet that was to be worn by Sylvie, Harry and herself for the Christmas party she had planned. Plans that all seemed so perfect, plans that brought about mental pictures of delight in each of their faces.


As they sat at the doctor’s office, the doctor slowly announced the dreadful news to them. In the same instant the doctor mentioned the words describing the condition of Sylvie’s brain and the subsequent impairments, Harry could not fixate his sight on any of his surroundings. Every side of the walls surrounding him, the desk sitting between him and the doctor, the clock that’s supposed to be mounted on the block of concrete that is holding up the ceiling from toppling down had all somehow manage to become liquid and melt before his eyes. He sat motionless as his wife started questioning the validity of the test results and demanded answers on how this can happen to Sylvie. The world literally fell apart and melted before Harry’s eyes. He no longer was the hot shot lawyer who had everything to live for. He was no longer the man who can protect the secure life he had built for his family from all harm. The shield has been slashed and the resulting gash in the shield started to split open, gradually expanding, and slowly letting in a poisonous gas that he could not stop himself from breathing in. The gas he breathed in, he did not know of any anecdote. There was no known cure for this disease. He left the office that day thinking about death, rather than life. The clouds in the sky, the cars in the street, and all the people he recognized to be an object within this world he could not comprehend. The years he spent in accomplishing his goals were starting to become blurry in his mind, he could not understand why he gave so much of his time to something that could mean so less to him in an instant.


Harry, his wife, and Sylvie drove away from the office, forgetting to stop by the mall as they had planned. As they drove, they passed the beach and Harry’s wife suddenly shouted and pointed towards the pier. She wanted Harry to drive towards the end of the pier and bring an end to the life they no longer could not define. Their life had become meaningless and without a purpose. Harry contemplates this in his mind, but for some reason unknown to him at the time, he is somehow moved by a sensation of some sort to continue living. That there will be an answer to this, he seeks hope.

Harry, through his legal connections and friends within the community of doctors, other lawyers, and the network of other highly educated and talented members of the affluent society, looked for counsel and advise. He reached out to the most prominent doctors in the country, he requested all his associates to help him find someone or something that can restore Sylvie’s mental and physical health to that of a normal child. He meets with brain specialists, out of country experts on Cerebral Palsy and is disappointed as there is nothing the world can offer and provide for Sylvie. Harry is in a state of bewilderment, his life becomes immersed in a cycle of emotional distress that leads him to rely on alcohol to coax his mind to fall asleep at nights. He starts looking into religion. He questions whether his non-belief in the validity of a God, a form unknown to him, and whether an ascendant person or a deity truly does exist that can control the world. His nature had always been to question and form a conclusive perception that conformed to his own philosophical perception of what is acceptable and what is bogus when it came to religions. Through his life experiences and studies, he had come to a conclusion and accepted the fact that religions were bogus and served merely as an outlet for weak minded and moronic self-pitying people to place false hopes on. He did not accept God because there was no God. Now, with the world he had created for himself in complete disarray, he started looking into the slight possibility that there can be a God.

Shotcaller

Someone close to me once said our church seems a little bit like a cult because we have one sole authority on all matters pertaining to the church.



He doesn’t like the fact that our pastor is the only one who delivers the sermons, the only one who makes decisions, and the only one who seems to be responsible for pretty much everything. In other words, it’s too much of a dictatorship that seems to ignore all modern day social structure and veers waaay too much towards sectarianism. He also doesn’t agree with the general tone of what he feels is the pastor constantly judging the faith and salvation of others, when biblically this is only debatable between the individual and God. While I agree with some of his assessments and also know where his sentiments originate from, I know our church is much more than pastor Yoon. He just plays the main figure, placed and upheld by God because he is used by God to train each and everyone of us to be meek and humble.

It’s hard to maintain and sustain a “religious” spiritual life that is absent of true relationship with God at our church. Without a certain degree of humility, it would be very difficult for any of us to sit through 2 hours of sermon where sometimes Pastor Yoon with all due respect, uses cultural analogies that individually may be hard to relate to, or makes statements that is quite contrary to what my worldly views may be. I would even go as far as to admit, I’ve been guilty of judging pastor by his words during his sermons. I don’t completely agree with everything he says outside of the context of the bible, such as when he talks of others or when he gets into personal opinions on certain worldly matters. I will, however, say that without a leading figure, (albeit with his shortcomings of being a human being) like pastor yoon, our church would falter and would without a doubt become divided. It’s because we allow ourselves to be guided by Jesus, and because we know the only thing pastor yoon truly cares about is the salvation of souls, we put aside our own thoughts and pride. I don’t think all share my views on this matter. I think some may actually get offended by what I state, but I’m not criticizing the pastor. I’m criticizing the person who, living a “religious” life without a real relationship with God, can see the light of God from our brothers and sisters, yet allow one thing he doesn’t agree with to stop himself from seeking further into what our church is about. I have a loved one that I hope will allow himself to go beyond what the typical modern day Christians look for in a church and see what it is about our church that just feels so different. This feeling that goes against what his worldly view of the church system should be, is really what should compel him to perceive the life that’s clearly present in our church. His own son went from being pissed off to being happy. There’s a word in Korean that I think translates to common courtesy, and if he had real faith in Jesus at all from his years of going to church, he should show the common courtesy of genuinely finding out what lies beyond the pastor. What it is that keeps me coming when all I talk about is how I, myself don’t always enjoy the sermons. There are many other churches out there that has a good message, I know, I listen to them on the radio, but when it comes down to having true fellowship and sharing in love with one another, I can’t imagine anywhere else being better than the LIFE we have here at KCBC...and the one sole authority i personally feel is holding up this church is Jesus, not Pastor.(although he plays the most important(message), and probably the most burdensome role within the church(leader))

Pastor may be Shotcaller at our church, but Jesus is definitely the one with the master plan. You need to know the master plan first and foremost.
God bless our Pastor, and I hope he will continuously be used preciously here, at least until I die or get married or something. In the meantime, I hope God will continue to guide me in staying with our church for the rest of my earthen life.

brother jimmy

Reminiscin'

I just reconnected with PFellowship blog and was reading some of my past blog posts.  One of them was about my yearning to leave and find different churches, and i just realized why i could never leave our church.

below, i just copied and pasted a portion of my past post. (i dont have time to do new posts, now that i have writing assignments every week at school)

I most recently had lunch with my uncle who is a Baptist church pastor who apparently, now travels around the world preaching and spreading the good news of Jesus. I told him of my salvation, I told him about KCBC, I didn't tell him about Peter Fellowship and my active participation thereof. He told me I didnt necessarily have to go to a church that seems to disparage or criticize other churches. That spiritual life is not about the church, but about you and Jesus. He said, there are zero churches that is true or following the truth in its entirety because people run the church, and people are not righteous. I gave him my email address, he said he wants me to stop by a few baptist churches around my neighborhood that he knows. He said become an active member of a church, join their youth ministry and live according to the scriptures as much as possible in my youth. He said I'm still very young, that I am still in my youth. I think this is what all older people say to younger people, but nevertheless I told him I would look into his suggestions. I may, I may not, but regardless I know our church is not run by people. I know our church is not run by Peter Yoon, I know its not run by the Brothers Fellowship or someone within. Our church is in fact a church with life, sustained by Jesus Christ, and I really don't think all other churches can testify to this without feeling a bit of skepticsm in their hearts. (or I'm just plain wrong because i'm biased or restricted in my views, but I think my views are accurate)
The time when I used to come to church and leave during final prayer so I wouldn't be asked to stay for fellowships. When I didn't even look at anyone to keep myself from catching "worldly" feelings towards anyone was when I had the most intimate relationship with God. It was the little things that kept me coming to church when I didn't socialize with anyone at church. I didn't want to judge anyone, so I just decided not to look at or talk to anyone. Such a fool I was, but that helped me alot in who I am now. Brother Jimmy. How our church didn't ask what my age was or what I did in terms of job. The little things. Nobody asked me what my hobbies were. Our church always restricted its need for appeasing its worldly curiosities to make sure it wouldn't be a potential stumbling block. I noticed this early on, it's these little subtle things that makes our church unique and just so darn wonderful. Happy, go, lucky. I used to hate on people i perceived to be "happy go lucky", now I feel happy, I just go, and I feel lucky to be alive with this church. Has anyone seen the movie Prophecy? A fallen angel(Christopher Walken) talks of becoming the very thing that he has despised, a human, able to feel pain, sorrow, anguish, restricted(or enslaved) by emotions(or sin) in their potential to accept and abide in the grace/love of God. Now i, myself have become "happy, go, lucky". You may not feel me on this, understandably. Well, I was that human, as Walken might say, "a talking monkey", but by the blood of Christ I am no longer restricted by sin, rather I'm liberated to spread the good news. So I'm saying I agree with Darwin and the Theory of Evolution in that we have evolved from "monkeys", I guess you can say we do live in the Planet of the Apes. Are you still just a "talking monkey"? Let's evolve. We are meant for so much more than to live for self gratification. let's be a child of God.
I love you all.

Exile From Life to Find Life

I’ve prayed about this many times. I’ve asked God to remove this feeling for the past couple of years.

It’s at a point now, where I feel I must remove myself from our church and venture out to see what the difference between Life and Dead is.

The past year it’s gotten a lot worse. The church is truly living and abiding in God, and the first traits of this is seen in lives changing, souls being born again. I witness this every year, some drift away, but for every 10 that drifts away, we always have 1 or 2 that find true fellowship and happiness and maintains their spiritual lives with us here at KCBC/Lakewood Central. Yet, I feel like I can’t go on anymore, not here. Not with what I feel like I’ve done to some brothers and sisters. I’ve allowed human emotions and or thoughts to become a stumbling block for both myself and others at church. It’s making me want to stop coming to my own church. It’s a burden I can’t seem to let go of in my mind. I sense it, and it’s not some illusion being conjured up out of some sort of self righteousness or arrogance. I may seem like I’m really nonchalant and unobserving, but it’s so apparent to me, that my constant methods of ignoring this has become too heavy for me to bear any longer. I’m tired of playing ignorant and clueless to certain things.

I gave a testimony awhile back about how doing things contrary to my feelings was my philosophy in maintaining a good spiritual life. Whatever I feel like doing, do the opposite. Whatever seems to go against my feelings, be obedient and take heed. Yet, I can’t seem to discern between the will of God and the will of my flesh or of the world. Something tells me I can be used by God elsewhere or that I can indeed find fellowship at another church, but within the same realm of thought, I can’t shake this feeling of shame in removing myself from a church where I clearly I know there’s LIFE.

We’re having Timothy Fellowship at my house tonight, and I hope this won’t be the last time. Knowing I have these thoughts and feelings going through my mind and heart, I intentionally requested the fellowship be held at my place. I pray that God will reveal something to me tonight, either through the scriptures or the testimony of another brother or sister.

“41Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (matthew 26:41)

We’ll always be of the same church regardless.

Jesus Christ is our church.

God Bless.

Brother Jimmy

Exit World. Enter Life

There’s a recurring theme in my posts regarding the “ways of the world”, it’s something I think we all deal with at one point in our lives every single day. It’s pride and lust. The two traits that are contrary to humility and love, also happen to be my weakest and most commonly committed transgressions of the flesh. I use to be a huge fan of JLH from IKWYDLS. (Guess the name of the actress and movie, and I will send you a toy from Aurora, I’ll pay for shipping too) Anyways, watching this movie recently brought back memories of my worldly former self, the high school days when I thought pride and lust were just part of being human and nothing I need to repent or feel guilty about. The time line of when this movie first came out and the state of my mind and heart, or shall I say the “altered” state of my mind for the most part at the time, was utterly full of gross malevolence, perversion, and anger, compounded by my profound resentment and hatred of all forms and figures of authority. I’ve been in a profanity laced argument with my PE teacher in junior high with added hand gesture to boot, I’ve had both of my hands cuffed to my ankles and carried to the backseat of a squad car, and finally I’ve prayed and cursed the God I felt to be uncaring, disconnected, and impersonal. Through these phases in my life and knowing what I know now, I wonder if I would be any different if I’d have been raised up in church, I mean KCBC. If I had been forced to sit through 3 hours of sermon on Sundays, or go to retreats twice a year, would I have seen JLH any differently?
Hmm….I think so…I didn’t have a spiritual conscience during my youth. I was pretty much, all flesh. Only time I felt hesitant about behaving in a certain manner was if my actions were to harm or offend someone who I may have deemed innocent. This didn’t really restrict my actions much because most people were not innocent in my eyes. Only old people and or kids had a pass, everyone else was crap. Then I came to this church and the first Timothy Fellowship I attended, I sat around 10 ladies who were all between the age of 17 ~ 30 and none of them were wearing makeup, or very light makeup. This was weird from the world I had “dwelled” in. I was caught off guard. It was very refreshing, and they all talked about God like they had daily conversations with him, much like they would be conversing with their boyfriend or something. Genuine, no fakeness.


This was of course, before I got saved, but I think that’s when I started feeling the pull from God. I started getting attracted to the fact that they held a faith in God that didn’t involve worldly relationships, uplifting praises, no social/worldly ways of enjoyment, it was all just faith based on what they read in the bible. I think this is about time JLH started getting old, and my tendency of measuring the goodness of a person male or female went beyond mere perceptions of “style” or “personality”. I still struggle with “mind-sin”, but I find myself not really interested in finishing the movie IKWYDLS. It seemed to be stupid, yea, she looks hot in that movie, but I didn’t care much anymore. I think this is how I know that I have something inside of me that’s not of the world. I think this is when I realize I have a source of power that’s greater than any tests or temptations. I have the holy spirit. I just need to use it. Is it pride? What is it that stops me from praying instead of stumbling? I ask and I answer. Pride and lusts, ways of the world….as it says in the song, “a thousand times I fall, though your mercy remains, should I stumble again, still I’m caught in your grace…”, it’s an everlasting love that can’t be taken, and I realize how undeserving we are of this grace.

It’s hard to see the sisters at our church as more than that…a sister in Christ, anything more or less would be awkward, as I know this from actual and personal experiences. (shhhhhh….)   :)

“38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (romans 8)

When I first became convicted of my sinful nature during my first retreat while reading passages from Romans, I realized I had lived my life knowingly indulgent to my desires all the while falsely maintaining my belief that I was a Christian. It was an inherent belief of the culture I had been raised in, it was all religion, not Truth, it was in a sense a relationship I had built through the worldly influences of my surroundings, my parents, it was the social aspect that garnered my attraction to Christianity. Simply put, my faith was merely an engraved belief in some doctrine that I had freely shaped and formed to cater to my own self-need and this self-centered faith inevitably crumbled and shattered when my”SELF” started feeling unsatisfied. (fragment?) Instead of looking at what kind of a “Christian” lifestyle I had lived, I blamed God for not making me happy. (?!)

…..i don’t even need to go on with this post. No conclusion, just simply put……Exit World. Enter Life.

God Bless.

Brother jimmy








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