Pathway to Bliss

Ecclesiastes 1:18 (New King James Version)
“18 For in much wisdom is much grief,
And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.”


Ignorance is Bliss.

I didn’t go to service last night. Instead, the pouring rain provided with me a valid and completely reasonable excuse to stay home and watch a movie at home, snuggled with a glass of wine I may add. (I didn’t have to add actually) I already made my attempt at expressing the depth of gratitude I have for being allowed to abide and live under the grace of God. This is something that I can never deny, but also, within the same spectrum of acknowledgment, I sense that there is still a tiny bit of sentiment deep within me that wishes to forget the truth and live ignorant once again as before.

Bliss. I think the only time I can truly say I felt or better yet, caught myself in complete and euphoric “bliss” during my life before finding Christ, was when I wasn’t myself, when my mind was altered, when I didn’t care about life, when I didn’t care about anything, didn’t think beyond the moment, it was just certain neurotransmitters in my brain responsible for the “bliss” feeling being activated by either THC or other chemicals contained in certain drugs. I think by now, everyone that knows me, knows I didn’t live a clean life before being born again. I feel no shame in being completely blunt with the transgressions of my former self. It’s when we chose to live a lie, in denial, not facing or embracing reality but rather being lost in what feels good, we find “bliss”….of recognizing a void within and filling it with a temporary escape, in my case, I never found bliss, I just found ways to make myself stupid. Then after continuing in this façade of a life, I found bliss through acceptance of Christ.

So…why do I have constant thoughts of desiring to not be so active in church? Why do I want to take a trip to Afghanistan? Let’s take a look at my current mental state.

Let’s take a look at life outside of church. My parents and brother probably thinks I’m selfish, my friends think I’m a self-righteous hypocrite, and I have no game when it comes to girls. I don’t want to chase….. It’s just me, my TV, my Ipod, my Gym and my home. I have no real social life and I’ve learned to get over this lack through spending all of my leisure time at church. Still, learning to live without a social life, going out to drink and talking about superficial things lacking any real substance are things I still have a flesh that desperately hungers for. Well I guess we all do… Last week I took my cousin to fellowship, then afterwards we went to LA and ate some chicken and had a pitcher of beer…..yea, I know, what a hypocrite. This is the reason my cousin gave me in saying he didn’t want to go to church, because he still wants to enjoy his life, like drinking and smoking. He doesn’t want to go half-ass…..I told him it’s not realistic to think you’re going to become a nun by accepting Christ. That’s not what it’s about. Whatever, we’ll see…..anyways, screw him, back to me….

I want to get away from thinking about others and live not preaching, but just keeping things to myself and enjoying life as it comes. I just want to get away from everything for a few days. Get away and suppress my spiritual needs and not think about church, church people, and WWJD. Really though, the only way I can get away from my spiritual needs is to be hit in the head with a really heavy stick, possibly a baseball bat and or be stricken with a sudden case of Alzheimer’s disease.

My only pathway to bliss is driving to Lakewood, grabbing a can of coconut juice from the Mobil in the corner and sitting alongside brothers and sisters at church worshipping or having fellowship. I have a modicum of desire in the corner edge of my heart, that still harbors the fleshly desires, hmm…its actually not a mere modicum just clinging on the edge of my heart, it’s a huge chunk just micro centimeter to the left of the center of my heart to be honest. It compels me to get away from this path and steer my car backwards, not staring straight ahead, but looking back, driving through oncoming traffic, in reverse. What the heck is wrong with me….i may have a good time losing my senses for a night or two, but it isn’t bliss, it isn’t going to make me forget, there are no methods I know of that will somehow make me become ignorant to the real needs of my soul. The only thing this does is restrict me from receiving blessings and being used by God.

I remember my first retreat when I read the verse above, thinking, “Wow, so this is where the phrase, ignorance is bliss comes from…”, yup, I feel like I want to become ignorant again.

I know from my previous endeavors out into the world, that everyone I come across, everything I see, and every freakin’ conversation I have will undoubtedly lead me back to my faith. I can physically keep myself away from church, but my spirit starts to crave the love of God and sharing this with others. This craving when not fed, becomes a disgusting revelation of who I truly am without God. Trust me, it really is disgusting. Really, really, really disgusting. I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about how much of a pathetic loser I can be, how much my shame has been covered up so graciously by God in the past 5 years.

According to Joseph Campbell in his book, “Pathways to Bliss”, all religion, culture, and other abstract belief system allows each individual to find their “bliss”, something that gives you a peace of mind or a “peace of heart” you can say. According to Campbell, it doesn’t make these religions or “myths” valid scientifically, but it serves the purpose of conceiving a link between your soul and your psychological being. in this sense, “truth” isn’t necessarily what is fact….it’s what you accept and believe. Everybody has their own “truth”.

My truth happens to give me eternal life in the bosom of God with spectacular sights and sounds unimaginable. My ill advised venture in looking for ways to forget this truth is really amazing, amazingly stupid. My bliss and the pathway that leads me there is church and fellowship. There really is no sense in forcing myself to go elsewhere. I’m going to make time for my flesh to enjoy the life God has given me. I may miss fellowships here and there, but ultimately I know the only way for me to truly be happy is church.



Again, I fail. Yet, again I win. It’s a blessing.
God Bless.


Fugg the world. Me against the World. Let’s keep up the good fight.

I’m learning to breath all over again….

Wayz of The World

from Peter Fellowship of KCBC by JIMMY


“Even though it hurts my chest, I’m spark 'til I lose my breath, living in sin since life began, coming out the water to get oxygen, please father help me breath again, at ease again.”

It’s an obvious reference to smoking weed, but also a symbolism for doing the things you don’t want to do in life. You ask God for help, to be at peace, and at the same time you're tokin' on a blunt, even though it hurts….

Wow, it’s incredible, this is how much I waste time thinking about the most stupid things in a day, instead of adding some useful knowledge or doing something productive for a moment, say, read the bible or do multiplication tables in my head, no, instead I sit here and listen to a line from a song and repeat it in my head. I think about why, we consciously pray to God knowing he can help us, and in the same realm of thought and prayer, we sidetrack into our own worldly needs without any consideration for the things that pleases God.

Do you ever pray about wanting to be raised up from some emotional sorrows or a spiritual plight that’s been going on for too long? I do, but damn, as I’m praying, the confluence of spirit and flesh in my heart clashes and more often than not, the flesh remains and triumph, and my prayer has become meaningless and just a waste of time. Head lowered, hands clenched, God needed, yet, my own fall from grace has stopped me from properly praying and maintaining a constant line of contact with God. I have sin that acts as a barrier between my spiritual thirst and the quenching of this thirst God can provide. All my sins have been forgiven and yet, my flesh remains, breeding sin and I become restricted. Although forgiven, it still harbors and expands exponentially in a span of mere minutes, sin makes sin like cockroaches make cockroaches. Visualize it. Take a mental picture. Sick, huh?

Money I guess is mandatory, but putting your spiritual life as secondary shouldn’t be the answer, it’s only going to add to your worries.

Yet, I’ve been thinking about getting a second job recently. (notice how fast I blatantly go away from the things I know should be my priorities?)

I can live in relative contentment, minus a few luxuries of the world, but no, I want to live out and go shop for house ware, go buy a new rug at like Ross or something. There’s a Walmart next to my work I sometimes go to and I sincerely consider buying bunch of crap I don’t need. It’s the ways of the world.. I can’t close my eyes and just think about the blessings of the soul. I’m restless, constantly anxious about life in this world when I have a kingdom of heaven to look forward to. I want to just scream from the top of my lungs, get wasted and go get into a fight with some random guy at a bar.

Getting away from the ways of the world is easy. The thing is, for me, when I get away, I always get caught again. It’s like the world sends out bounty hunters, or bait, in the form of friends, girls, money to recapture what had originally belonged to them. The ways of the world is the ways of your flesh is the ways of your sin is the ways of your life is the ways of your death.

Wayz of the world…..
………….

You, The Idiot, and The Other Guy

I made a similar post a couple of years ago, but thinking back now, I find it interesting how I haven’t progressed much spiritually…..anyways, still, I wonder.....
What if I absolutely refused to attend the retreat 5 years ago? What if I decided to take off with my cousin during the 2nd day, how if I never received salvation after feeling convicted, who will I be today? Would I even be alive today?

Close your eyes, picture yourself at a party. You're having fun and a fight breaks out, this bald, stocky, drunk and enraged jerk ruins the party for everyone by the ever so typical, “what are you looking at?” phrase, which inevitably lead to the initial confrontational vibe. He then continued to talk crap, even after the other guy initially passed on the confrontation. The idiot starts thinking he’s tough, which is noticed by another guy who had been scoping him out throughout the night because he happened to be a fellow “tough guy”, surrounded by 5 of his friends. The other guy rises up from the crowd of his friends and chucks a beer bottle at him, the idiot retaliates by grabbing a metal bar stool and swings it wildly, aiming recklessly and before you realize it, the metal stool he swings hits your face, you black out for a second, you open your eyes and notice your nose is bleeding profusely, you black out again, and an ambulance comes and takes you to a local hospital. You get looked at by the ER physician to find out you have a broken nose and will be needing an eye patch for the next 3 weeks from your "orbital muscles"(http://www.99main.com/~charlief/Blindness.htm) being "damaged". Damn party pooper.

On the bright side, you happened to be a Christian, and your church family is there to support you, even visiting you at home and offering prayers. As you sit in your room after all the church people leave, you start thinking about why this happened and try to recollect messages from the past to help raise up your spirits.

You sit there and think about the sermon from the past week, you think about the great fellowship you had. And it all becomes blurry, you slowly become enraged, you're overtaken by the thought of hatred. You remember the guy at the party that caused all this. You hate this guy with all your passion. Your heart actually feels physical pain because you hate this guy.

Now, picture that guy as me. I just very well may be that guy today. There's a lot of guys like that out there, guys who've yet to be awaken to the truth. Guys who outwardly display their resentment and discontentment in the world they live in because of their inward insecurities.  Before, I get caught up with blabbbing on and on, i'll just stop this here.  The point i'm trying to make is this, don't be too quick to judge those that curse you or make you feel bad. Have love for him/her, have sympathy, but most of all, pray for him/her with all your heart. This should be an impulse that comes without saying if you have accepted Christ in your heart. That guy can be used preciously by God.

Passage from last night's fellowship:
 
¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. ²¹  (NIV)
 
 
....Hurry up, slow down, and chill.
God will do, wut he gots to do.
 
God Bless.
 
Jimmy
 

Galatian Thoughts

“ 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery,[c] fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders,[d] drunkenness, revelries, and the like "(Galatians 5)

Take a pick, they all have been applicable to me .  Anyways....

I sometimes with all good intents and purposes, try to lend a hand, an ear, my heart to those who may not be proactive at our church. Then I hear their gripes about why it’s hard to maintain their spiritual lives, why our church is difficult to approach about certain issues, and I catch myself straying with them. I start becoming emotionally affected and become angry and resentful towards the church along with them.

“1 Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer[a] is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.” (Galatians 6, NLT version)

Notice it says, “you who are godly”, and I for one, have never ever been perceived to be Godly….I should more than anything just humbly pray instead of trying to help someone out of my own will. Allow God to guide me in bearing fruit.

For the sake of bearing one another’s burdens, don’t let their weakness in turn become your weakness.

 ¹ Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free,^[a] and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5)

"It ain’t Ezaay.. bein' me, will I see the Penitentiaryyyyyy or will I stay free"  =/


One Love.

Jimmy

Dig me out from under what is covering
...a better part of me.

Hate it or Love it

Life and me, it’s a love hate relationship. Sometimes you feel like you’re on top of the world, sometimes you don’t.

John 12 “25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

Waaay back in 2006, I got saved…..I hated the world(all vanity), I always felt like it was all BS. (by product of being ignorant and uneducated) Then it was revealed to me that I had a choice of being miserable in my flesh or be grateful and blessed from deep inside my heart, in a much different world. When I was gradually falling deeper and deeper into living life without any real hopes or goals, I knew I wanted to find something or someone to save me. Heck, I always thought it was going to be a girl that changed my life….but no it was a man....….errr…son of man….err….Jesus.

When you’re in high school, you have dreams of becoming something great in the world. My cousin always wanted to become a publisher of a magazine, kind of like that 70 year old guy who loves rabbits……actually exactly like that guy.

If you ask me, I always wanted to die. Not trying to be melodramatic, but ever since like my sophomore year in high school, I literally always dreamed of dying. Not pitifully, like from a disease of some sort or in a freak accident. I always pictured myself going out gloriously like in a shootout with cops or dying in a war earning the “Medal of Honor” or diving in front of a bullet for a physically handicapped child genius who loves manatees who happened to be in the crossfire of an armed robbery at a liquor store, or at the least getting hit by a wealthy drunk driver where my family can receive some financial compensation after the grieving. Point being, I hated living. The temporary joy I got out of partying and or other alternate methods to escape reality was becoming a burden on me, not to mention the health detriments. Reality sucked. Life sucked. It was literally Fudt the world, Me against the World.

“Why I’m I dying to live, if I’m just living to die?” You have to hate your life in this world and be ready to bear the cross for the glory of God, who saved you from living a meaningless life in the world.

I no longer hate life, but the dream of dying for a purpose remains. I realized how silly it is to die in a midst of violent mayhem for self glory and a lasting legacy of “manliness”. Really, really silly, I mean whatever sense of pride felt and whatever lasting legacy left in the world would be completely offset and surpassed in worth by the eternal burning in hell I would have been subjected to after this supposed glorious death. Or God could’ve just given me testicular cancer like that guy from Fight Club, who due to some male hormonal deficiency or something, grew breasts, but no. God gave me life…with purpose. I love life. I have a purpose to die for….rather live for.

Hate it or love it, we only have one life to live in this world. Where are you headed and was it worth it? I know even in my own spiritual failures, I have been given a promise that can never be taken away, and for that reason I love life.

God bless.

Jimmy