In Hindsight
No long term goals, only short sighted misguided and unsheltered life that’s absent of any real delight through reality. Only hope and joy in life is thinking about not thinking. Sleeping and hoping you fall asleep and stay asleep for as long as you can. The minute you awake, the minute you think, the minute you realize the world is all corrupted and crap, you realize it’s hard to not follow the trend. F the world, me against the world.
Something tells you to be different, but everyone you encounter, the things you see in the world, the struggles in life that you can’t understand all leads you to think of one thing. Death.
Church and “church people” to me was all people coming together to act like they worship and praise a God that wasn’t really there. I never truly believed God to be a figure that actually listens to the needs of those that pray to him. I knew he can hear, but I believed he didn’t care. He’s a being that’s there, but was wholly irrelevant to anything in my life. He’s neither here nor there, he just exists. So what’s the point if you go to church on Sundays? What’s the point of praying or living according to some doctrine of what another person(pastor) preaches? After all, I believe he’s there, I believe in everyone doing things or behaving in ways that God has allowed the person to live and be in. He made someone stupid, so that person lives stupid. He let her be pretty, and she lives her life with undue privilege and admiration, because God for some reason blessed her over others. What a person does in life, is completely not connected to God.
There’s no connection, never was to begin with.
I never asked how you become connected. It never crossed my mind that instead of hating and cursing a God that can’t be connected to anything I do, I can somehow form a connection….you know, befriend him. No lie, everyone you meet in life, you think, “what can I gain from having this person as a friend?” and subsequently, you don’t make enemies, but you couldn’t care less about the guy you meet that doesn’t either have rich friends or a hot sister, he can’t be one of the homies. If he’s broke, then he can’t offer you anything that would make you want to befriend him, unless he’s in a gang or something and can somehow empower you with unearned sense of self pride. No gain, no friend, even if you think you’re selfless and you are kind to the loner and or the poor, it doesn’t last, your selfish nature will always lead you…..to….well, YOURSELF gain. We’re all such a FN joke. It’s obvious and we try to cover up our shame by lying to ourselves every single day. We use some general rhetoric as a means to explain and define happiness in life, and even more so in futility, we attempt at defining love. Love is indefinable, at least not from the world I know. We’re all just living just to die. It’s like we live, but ultimately we’re just waking up to die, slowly, but surely. What can I gain from God? What can God gain from me? I have nothing to give and he has nothing to give me.
“why I’m I dying to live….if I’m just living to die”
Life, eternal.
I remember one of the Brothers asking me if I won a free trip to some Island resort with a Playboy playmate would I say “no, I have to work”. Of course, he was asking me to go to what was to be my first Bible retreat. I gave him a smirk, and said “yea, I would just work”. I’m not looking for a fling with some bimbo anyways, I’m looking for true love. He thought I was being stubborn. I thought it was a good way of telling him to stop asking me. What eventually won out was what I indicated above. When I was living to die, I never thought of making a connection with God. But(and a very big BUT), through a few fellowships and one church service I went to, I started getting mad. I thought to myself, “these people are so full of it(I’m leaving out a couple of letters from __it)”, I didn’t understand what kind of world they were living in, it made me angry towards this God that they so much loved. My inner desire to make a connection with God had been stirred to the point where I said F-it, let’s go. This is the last chance that “I’M” going to give God to form something resembling a connection or a relationship that will give me peace and joy in living this life…..in this world, full of __it. I went to the retreat literally pissed off. I stared down the pastor during his sermons, all three hours, I stared at him, the bible, and listened to him, full of anger and resentment…..and so on , and so on…….by the 2nd day, i became convicted of my sins, and by the closing hours of the 3rd day, I knew there was life, but more importantly, there was….no…..death.
I already gave my testimony a million times, so I won’t give one here. This post is about the state of the utter misery I lived in before God. I carried so much resentment in my heart before, and the constant thought of death, and now the gratitude I carry in my heart, the life everlasting that I was able to attain through faith. I have so many souls in and around me that live their life knowing sooner or later they will die. Death is inevitable, it’s universally accepted as just a part of life. Only problem is, these souls have yet to realize that death isn’t the end….and if they know this wouldn’t be the end, would they truly be cool with the state of their heart,and their faith? I’m saved, yet I still feel horrible about the state of my heart often times, but knowing I have a promise that can never be taken from me, I gain peace. No matter what terrible thoughts seep into my heart at times, i have the wonderful love of God. I’m so blessed.
Hung out with a couple of old friends this weekend, and one of them has so much resentment towards life in general, his family has struggles, his own life revolves around reaching out for every single dollar the world can offer, and ultimately, I think he just wants all this to end. I’m going to continuously pray for him. I hope you can join me . Our church will be added by the grace of God. Daniel Kim. He thinks he hates God right now, but what he doesn’t yet realize is how much these trials and tribulations he’s facing right now is actually going to end up as a blessing for his soul.
Isaiah 38:17, “Indeed it was for my own peace That I had great bitterness; But You have lovingly delivered my soul from the pit of corruption, For You have cast all my sins behind Your back.”
See you Brother Daniel.
God Bless.
Brother jimmy
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