This should be my last blog post for about a week.
So for all the people who had been reading(all 3 of you), please check back next week!
Anyways, our church has been steadily growing in the past few years. I think when a person becomes truly born-again, he or she feels so compelled to share this gospel with others that the days and weeks following the retreat becomes a time where we go out and try to witness to other souls with the passion and strength gained from spending 3-4 days just listening and reading the scriptures. I personally start with my immediate family. As my parents may see it, the downpour of rain, or in this case, Jesus on their heads from my constant nagging is just a start, I start calling them on Sunday mornings and the conversation usually ends with a “I’ll call you later”. As the weeks go by I lose passion, my downpour becomes scattered showers, and it gradually becomes a few scattered sprinkles that barely reaches people that I come across every day.
Please keep a prayer for me and others who struggle with bearing good fruits, allow this time of retreat to be a time where we share in the love of God with those who may not know the Truth yet. May I keep my heart reliant on God, and my body to follow in its guidance, not being disobedient but wholly exuding the attitude of a servant being upheld by God, obedient, and meek.
Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. [14] For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."
I went to sleep listening to this sermon about a month ago, it was tremendously moving. May I not fall into the broad ways of destruction by following my own desires.
No long term goals, only short sighted misguided and unsheltered life that’s absent of any real delight through reality. Only hope and joy in life is thinking about not thinking. Sleeping and hoping you fall asleep and stay asleep for as long as you can. The minute you awake, the minute you think, the minute you realize the world is all corrupted and crap, you realize it’s hard to not follow the trend. F the world, me against the world. Something tells you to be different, but everyone you encounter, the things you see in the world, the struggles in life that you can’t understand all leads you to think of one thing. Death.
Church and “church people” to me was all people coming together to act like they worship and praise a God that wasn’t really there. I never truly believed God to be a figure that actually listens to the needs of those that pray to him. I knew he can hear, but I believed he didn’t care. He’s a being that’s there, but was wholly irrelevant to anything in my life. He’s neither here nor there, he just exists. So what’s the point if you go to church on Sundays? What’s the point of praying or living according to some doctrine of what another person(pastor) preaches? After all, I believe he’s there, I believe in everyone doing things or behaving in ways that God has allowed the person to live and be in. He made someone stupid, so that person lives stupid. He let her be pretty, and she lives her life with undue privilege and admiration, because God for some reason blessed her over others. What a person does in life, is completely not connected to God.
There’s no connection, never was to begin with. I never asked how you become connected. It never crossed my mind that instead of hating and cursing a God that can’t be connected to anything I do, I can somehow form a connection….you know, befriend him. No lie, everyone you meet in life, you think, “what can I gain from having this person as a friend?” and subsequently, you don’t make enemies, but you couldn’t care less about the guy you meet that doesn’t either have rich friends or a hot sister, he can’t be one of the homies. If he’s broke, then he can’t offer you anything that would make you want to befriend him, unless he’s in a gang or something and can somehow empower you with unearned sense of self pride. No gain, no friend, even if you think you’re selfless and you are kind to the loner and or the poor, it doesn’t last, your selfish nature will always lead you…..to….well, YOURSELF gain. We’re all such a FN joke. It’s obvious and we try to cover up our shame by lying to ourselves every single day. We use some general rhetoric as a means to explain and define happiness in life, and even more so in futility, we attempt at defining love. Love is indefinable, at least not from the world I know. We’re all just living just to die. It’s like we live, but ultimately we’re just waking up to die, slowly, but surely. What can I gain from God? What can God gain from me? I have nothing to give and he has nothing to give me.
“why I’m I dying to live….if I’m just living to die”
Life, eternal.
I remember one of the Brothers asking me if I won a free trip to some Island resort with a Playboy playmate would I say “no, I have to work”. Of course, he was asking me to go to what was to be my first Bible retreat. I gave him a smirk, and said “yea, I would just work”. I’m not looking for a fling with some bimbo anyways, I’m looking for true love. He thought I was being stubborn. I thought it was a good way of telling him to stop asking me. What eventually won out was what I indicated above. When I was living to die, I never thought of making a connection with God. But(and a very big BUT), through a few fellowships and one church service I went to, I started getting mad. I thought to myself, “these people are so full of it(I’m leaving out a couple of letters from __it)”, I didn’t understand what kind of world they were living in, it made me angry towards this God that they so much loved. My inner desire to make a connection with God had been stirred to the point where I said F-it, let’s go. This is the last chance that “I’M” going to give God to form something resembling a connection or a relationship that will give me peace and joy in living this life…..in this world, full of __it. I went to the retreat literally pissed off. I stared down the pastor during his sermons, all three hours, I stared at him, the bible, and listened to him, full of anger and resentment…..and so on , and so on…….by the 2nd day, i became convicted of my sins, and by the closing hours of the 3rd day, I knew there was life, but more importantly, there was….no…..death.
I already gave my testimony a million times, so I won’t give one here. This post is about the state of the utter misery I lived in before God. I carried so much resentment in my heart before, and the constant thought of death, and now the gratitude I carry in my heart, the life everlasting that I was able to attain through faith. I have so many souls in and around me that live their life knowing sooner or later they will die. Death is inevitable, it’s universally accepted as just a part of life. Only problem is, these souls have yet to realize that death isn’t the end….and if they know this wouldn’t be the end, would they truly be cool with the state of their heart,and their faith? I’m saved, yet I still feel horrible about the state of my heart often times, but knowing I have a promise that can never be taken from me, I gain peace. No matter what terrible thoughts seep into my heart at times, i have the wonderful love of God. I’m so blessed.
Hung out with a couple of old friends this weekend, and one of them has so much resentment towards life in general, his family has struggles, his own life revolves around reaching out for every single dollar the world can offer, and ultimately, I think he just wants all this to end. I’m going to continuously pray for him. I hope you can join me . Our church will be added by the grace of God. Daniel Kim. He thinks he hates God right now, but what he doesn’t yet realize is how much these trials and tribulations he’s facing right now is actually going to end up as a blessing for his soul. Isaiah 38:17, “Indeed it was for my own peace That I had great bitterness; But You have lovingly delivered my soul from the pit of corruption, For You have cast all my sins behind Your back.”
Humility is the attitude I need to keep in my heart and portray, but somehow I doubt anyone at church actually thinks of Jimmy when they think of humility. The first face that pops up in my mind when I think of humility is sister KM. She doesn’t even have to say anything, she just exudes humility and meekness, yet you can sense the strength of God within her, all at the same time. Admirable, lovable, and respectable. I always have her in my mind, praying she gets all the desires of her heart, because I know someone like her has only the will of God in her heart…..anyways, that’s the thing. If people at our church wouldn’t think of me as a humble servant of God, what do the people at work, home, gym, or any other place where I run into unbelievers think of me? I realized why people don’t necessarily say Hi to me when I walk by them, it’s because I seem like a complete dick. I didn’t really figure this out until someone told me at the gym. I tried to give myself a rather convenient excuse and say that I don’t look all jolly and “greet-able”(not a real word) because I’m not wearing my glasses….??! (it’s better than saying this is just what I look like)
When told of this, my first initial reaction was to get defensive, but I was thinking I didn’t really give a damn what she thought! You know, we cant always walk around looking like we just won the lottery..! Of course I did not think out loud this time. She says I just look mad….which is something I heard about a trillion times since I was in like junior high,(it is what i look like) and the problem is my complete disregard for what is potentially putting poeple off from the holy spirit inside of me. I don’t allow Jesus inside of me to be revealed. If he is really there, then I would be smiling all the time. I’m hiding him from the rest of the world around me when I’m not at church or fellowship. It’s like I still have some sort of lame pride on being a tough guy or something…..and I’m really not! I like to draw, listen to music, and shop for cleaning supplies and other household products! ;)
I need to let go of all my former self, and exude my true identity.
Self-identity should not be varying in different environments, but always being adaptable and indulgent to the needs of bringing glory to God and love to new and “already saved” souls alike. My true identity is whatever I’m asked of by my inner spiritual conscience, and I know this more often than not, means I would be walking around exuding joy, and not anger. I want to apologize to you lil missy at the gym. Next time i see you, i will be smiling.....but i don't think i'm going to go to that gym anytime soon. :)
God Bless. (Fervant Love to all)
(couple of verses from last night's message)
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins." 1peter 4:8 "Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins." proverbs 10:12
Going back to Pastor James’s sermon a couple weeks ago, he used an analogy about the old Butterball turkey that he deemed too old for self consumption but still good enough to donate to church. After speaking with a Butterball personnel and making sure it was still perfectly edible, but lacking the kind of taste of a fresh turkey, he thought of giving this “leftover” to church. (not sure if he was referring to himself, can’t quite remember) Nonetheless, he was referring to the general attitude of modern day Christians and their apathy towards the church. They, or rather, WE, have a tendency and myself being a prime offender, to only give off what is leftover of our time, money, and energy after it’s been extracted and squeezed into our individual lives within the world, outside of church. I come to church always thinking about what time I need to go home by, without Offering, and tired as heck from the daily grind that is work and the gym. This is a trend I need to stop myself from falling into, and I see this with other churchgoers in and around my life. I suck at being a servant to God. I’ve been sucking for quite some time now….gradually each month, I’ve been sucking more and more. I haven’t really been coming into the house of worship in “truth and spirit” (John 4:24), but rather with other thoughts swirling in my mind and heart. Forgetting, to always be meek and humble. It’s an attitude problem. Below is a very accurate portrayal of how many treat their church life and what the sad state of our heart is more often than not. Paul Washer, who even people within his own congregation refers to as brother, has been a really good source of messages when I miss something from our own sermons. You gotta hear this, it’s refreshing and very true.
and also, this....
and finally, let's end this post with a little bit of humor, courtesy of christain comedian Michael Jr.
Our brothers and sisters never cease to amaze me. Which is the same as saying our church is amazing. Which is the same as saying Jesus is amazing.
But back to our brothers and sisters, and why I’m so amazed. We have a Bible Retreat that hasn’t changed from its current format of pretty much 9 to 10 hours of listening and reading from the bible. (from what I hear, it used to be more like 12-14 hours) Yet, year after year, our brothers and sisters continuously attend the retreat over and over and over again, and with a new sense of yearning in their hearts for fellowship with not only one another and new souls, but most importantly with God. As a fellow brother within this family of God, it truly brings me delight and gratitude knowing I can partake in this “lovefest” at least twice a year. Some saving up their money leading up to the retreat to pay for not only themselves, but for others they want to witness to. Some spending their vacation time to travel long distances just to attend the retreat for 4 days. I think the worldly hardships and tests our church battles and overcomes through the scriptures is a definite and an observable attribute that doesn’t take much faith in acknowledging. It’s very much palpable. It’s Jesus…….and not all churches truly exudes this. Some have it, some just claim it. Wow, just take a moment to think about this for a second……………..amazing indeed. To be part of this.
……..and now, to the struggle. Blessings. There for my taking and I don’t have a strong desire to take it, contrary to the things I know in my heart. It’s amusing for a second, then it’s really not all that funny anymore.
I would be lying if I say that I never calculate the costs, the days of vacation I have left for the year, and quite honestly, thinking to myself I already heard everything before when it comes to the retreat. It’s as it says in Matthew 26:41, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”, amongst others verses…
This year is no different, I still haven’t paid for the retreat, everybody assumes I’m going, I make it seem like I’m going by asking others to go, some I literally beg to attend, and yet, in the back of my mind, I still am looking for a possible retreat from Retreat! Heh, again it’s kind of amusing for a quick second, then I realize how serious of a problem this is. Not only a problem because I’m possibly using up brain cells that can be used on something a bit more beneficial to me, but also a problem because it’s having an adverse affect on my personal relationship with God. I have no brain cells I can afford to use on useless thoughts! From yesterday’s sermon, Pastor talked about the lack of fellowship he’s been having recently with Jesus due to the amount of work he’s been dealing with. The financial documentations, the church renovations and contractors he’s thinking about, and all other things that comes with moving to a new church location, the collective workload had caused even pastor to fall from grace for brief moment, causing anxiety, resentments and complaints in his heart. I no less, am very easily distracted by my worldly needs and so forth. I don’t have much workload, but I keep thinking I have no time to be gone for 4 days. I keep having second thoughts about attending the retreat…..even though I know I’m going to go!!! What the heck?! crazy….anyways, I think I’m going to just end this post here.
Let’s not retreat from the retreat.
(this post has been revised, after reading through again, i took out some useless blabbering)
PS
Anyone wanna raise a half shizu half maltese poodle? They really look delicious…I mean, cute! Very CUTE! :)
I'm not going to try to write up on this, check out this guy’s assessment of the movie in relation to Christianity. Definitely worth reading, food for thought. Really interesting. Check out the comments as well.
Fighting is something I’m not very good at unless the counterpart is scared….it’s pretty much all mental. Some people in my past may think I’m purposely discrediting some of my epic alcohol induced squabbles of my former life, but really, I can honestly say I gave off the misconception of being able to fight only because I was always confident. In other words, I knew how to pick my battles… All this, really is just silly reminiscing of the incredibly sorry past of my former life, not even worth looking back on unless I can somehow relate it to the current state of my spiritual life. So, I’m going to try to relate this as best as I can…..
I’m constantly losing my confidence, or shall I say, my faith, in winning battles against myself. The habits of my former life happen to include and not in any particular order, cussing, lying, smoking, drinking, choosing to watch Lakers over church, choosing to watch Dodgers over church, choosing to sleep over church, and choosing to sit and do nothing but eat Pringles over, you guessed it, church. (by the way, Kmart has 2 for 3 on all super stack Pringles, all flavors)
These habits, when you start kicking them, gradually start kicking back until you realize, oh shoot, I’m in a fight, and worse yet, I’m actually scared I can’t win.
Let’ start with cussing.
The two words I have learned to abstain myself from using, even outside of church, even when I’m by myself catching a ball game and even when I kick it with some friends enjoying an ice cold beverage or two, and I’m sure some of you guys use it and hear it all the time. It’s f**k and s*it. I’ve slipped in my mind, but I’ve been pretty good in not cussing out loud, in retrospect, before Jesus AKA KCBC, my sentences either started with a cuss word or ended with it, or both. Cussing was never a big deal to me and it probably isn’t even considered much to fuss(or do a blog post) about nowadays as I’ve noticed working professionals say shhhhit to each other quite often. I even made the mistake of taking some high school youth at our church to a PG-13 movie thinking it would be safe from these two words, I was sorely or to describe it more accurately, “uncomfortably” mistaken. Remember when you were a teenager, sitting in your living room watching Saved by the Bell and for some reason your mom or dad sits next to you, and at that exact moment Zack and Kelly share a kiss that seems to last waay too long. Not to mention, the kiss scenes between the “high school” kids was so much more than a simple smooch on the lips. Yea, it’s a very awkward feeling watching people make out on the TV with a parent sitting next to you, at least in my household it was. Anyways, so what’s the big deal? Well, it’s a big deal for me because, cussing just lends a hand to the flesh of my past to manifest into other behavior that’s detrimental in my continuous uphill journey towards the path of righteousness, and for those who don’t know, this path indeed does exist, it’s narrow and there are fire breathing dragons all around trying to consume you or knock you off this path. It really is quite difficult to cross without getting burned from time to time, but as long as you put your faith and reliance on God, you won’t get knocked off. As I’m typing, I realize that the order and what exactly these habits are is quite irrelevant and insignificant. The bigger picture here is understanding the pervasive, persistent, addictive, infectious nature of what we all fight against; sin. In hindsight, I’m sure the Mickeys I had couple of nights ago, could’ve easily been set aside with a prayer and a heart reliant on God. Did I pray? Nope. The fact that ESPN actually shows you the replay of the game didn’t help either. In fact, from the moment I left church that night, I knew I was going to go home and watch the game before going to sleep, and this is where the small pebble of rock that I slip on becomes a millstone that wraps itself around my neck, dragging me towards the edge until I fall off. Thinking about watching an important sports event, automatically leads to thinking about having a beer for me, and having a beer leads to thinking about having a cigarette, and having a cigarette leads me to having another one, and so on and so on. (please do note, I did say “thinking about”, not I actually had/have..) It’s way more difficult to walk on a narrow path with a millstone around your neck when you have dragons(satan) sneezing fire(presenting temptations) on your face. Worse yet, knowingly subjecting myself to this is what’s even more troubling. Asinine. Crazy. Dull. Call it what you want, but this is why we need God in our lives, and faith in this God that doesn’t waver at the slightest bit of temptation is the only way to continue your journey without being consumed by the “dragons.” My faith wavers, but I know my hope will never change. So, let’s just start and end with cussing, because you can start with any sin or bad habits, either way, at the end of the day, whatever temptation or sins you commit, you either have forgiveness or you don’t. We all know what this means. I am so FN glad I have forgiveness. Thank you Jesus, and if you don’t or are unsure of this forgiveness, than I suggest you start finding out how to obtain it. (Retreat 6/30)
Sitting down, hands clenched, and experiencing a shortness of breath most commonly associated with running 89 miles…..uphill. I sit.
Patiently and with much dread, knowing the moment I raise my head and sense the blaring beams of the eyes headed in my vicinity, I will falter, choke, and ultimately wet myself from the back. If you’ve ever seen the movieAlong Came Polly, you know what I mean, yes…it is disgusting. Okay, I'm a bit exaggerating here, but I really was quite nervous and no, I didn't really huff and puff as if I ran 89 miles, nor did I actually shart, still it was quite nervewrecking nonetheless.
Of course, I’m talking about the past Sunday when for some reason I agreed and with much delight, I have to say, to go up on stage and be part of the Timothy Fellowship Special Song. I hesitate in saying “with much delight”, because I’m not very fond of singing in front of people, and yet, something gave me a joy from the inside that isn’t typical when you do something you normally wouldn’t do. This joy still didn’t stop my heart from beating faster nor did it stop me from continuously licking my lips, which is what I do when I get anxious, but I kind of knew where this joy comes from, but even better, it was more thoroughly explained to me during the message delivered by pastor James.
The bitter wine we should’ve drank, the physical and emotional pains from the wrath of God that we were to be the recipient of but taken on our behalf, and love defined for us and given to us out of grace absent of any works we do, this was, is and will always be the gift of our salvation. This is Jesus Christ.
As sister Melanie so adequately put it, the “poison” we no longer have to drink, because Jesus drank it on our behalf is something we have tendencies of always forgetting or even doubting. This is the reason why we are allowed to live in joy and live with hope, the sweet taste of the life everlasting. Bitter is the sweet, and we as born again brothers and sisters in Christ have a hope even through the struggles in our spiritual walk through the wilderness, that no bitterness can overtake the sweetness of love, prayer, fellowship, communion, the breaking of bread, and the baptism we have by the precious blood of Jesus.
Thank you Pastor James for your message about the 6 traits of a living church, and confirming once again the assurance of why it is I continue to maintain and sustain my spiritual life with KCBC, or should I say Lakewood Central Church even though I have my “tests”, and worldly senses of discontent from time to time.
