It’s almost Easter and that means one thing.
For me this is the time to partake in one deed I deem to be holy. I’m sure everyone who is Christian thinks about the resurrection of Christ, the Easter egg, the bunny, the chocolate filled eggs, and the chocolate filled eggs. Whatever we use as a symbolism in remembrance of the resurrection, the one traditional practice that probably takes place in every church is the communion. We use bread and wine/grape juice to symbolize the body and blood of Christ, and we pray and partake in consuming and praising, to remind ourselves why and how we became saved from our wages of sin that need not be paid.
I’ve been living completely distracted, completely reeling in my old habits, detached, stumbling in my personal connection with God for the past two weeks. Now, I can truly appreciate addicts who goes a month without relapse. I am gradually placing myself away from church and trying to put aside, ignore, and disregard the well being of what I hold most precious in my heart.
My heart doesn’t feel broken when I disregard my own spiritual conscience for the sake of self servitude. Like when I go drinking with some of my old buddies. It’s not very often. In fact, they’ve all moved on with their lives and my absence in whenever they kick it has been accepted, with no real grudges I may add. They’re very much confused when I do call one of them out of the blue, and ask what they’re up to. They always receive my cordialness with a dash of skepticism. They know it’ll come. They want to keep themselves ready for when the looming question arises. Just as when a sales person shoots you compliments before asking you to buy their useless crap, my invitation for them to attend church with me seems to always make them mad for some odd reason, as if I’m trying to sell them something they don’t really need. I’m sure they’re thinking, “silly rabbit, tricks(trix) are for kids”. This question is even brought up in the midst of my drunkenness, which tends to catch them off guard even more so, as in “this guy, how can he have the audacity to ask, all the while completely living like someone who doesn’t profess salvation?”. I literally become enraged and demand it, then we almost get into fist fights, and I might as well have asked them to go Eff themselves. Fail.
At the time, when I fall into certain transgressions, the bit of guilty conscience brought on by the holy spirit, is quickly dissolved by the sights and sounds of worldly amusement and the figures that God has so graciously created, amongst other things that of the opposite sex, alluring and seducing. Yet I only look and don’t bring myself to touch or even make an approach. We exchange looks, but as always, this game that has become so vain in my life, has utterly left me depressed. It never fails, it’s always a lose, lose situation. I come home, and this is when I feel heartbroken. I have regrets, I start reliving the mistakes I made in front of those around me who don’t believe in Jesus. I think about how I became a stumbling block in my friends’ potential to seek out God in their lives through my actions…..and it really feels like someone has smacked me in the heart with a sledgehammer. I can hear the voices, “you hypocrite, you fail, you might as well just say eff it and go back to how you lived in the past”. Don’t worry, I’m not delusional or losing my mind. It’s just the devil trying to bring me down and discourage me. I take reckless days off from church and the voices start.
No one sees the struggle, they only see the trouble.
I like to think all born again Christians, still have within themselves, constant temptations and constant spiritual plight that takes place. Quite frankly, I don’t necessarily like our church because of the awesome message, it’s good don’t get me wrong, but most of the brothers and sisters at our church became saved through scriptures and when they hear sermon that is biblical, how can they or myself take it any way other than good? I love our church because we all acknowledge the fact that we don’t deserve the grace of God and come forth to literally protect ourselves from OURSELVES. Pink reference here, but that line “don’t let me get me, I’m my own worst enemy” is very true. Our church is so boring and nonconforming to cultural and or worldly preferences that it trains me to oblige, in situations where I would normally say heck no to. This is why i love our church, it's unlike the mass majority of other korean churches.......and at the same time, it's also why I don't like certain things about our church.
anyways......
I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t partake in the communion this year. I remember a term that is used to describe this sort of psychological mechanism that we use to dictate our own behavior. Self prophesying. If you tell yourself you’re going to hell, then you’re going to hell. If you constantly tell yourself that you’re going to walk by faith, strolling in the narrow path, even through the temptations and failures, you end up following through on your “self prophecy”. The more I tell myself I shouldn’t do communion, the more I feel myself feeling free to dwell in my flesh, in my sin, in not being repentant. There’s always a chance at fellowship, but I’ve been telling myself I won’t go, hoping I can creep back to my former habits with former friends in my former surroundings…..freely, minus the spiritual conviction and the guilt of missing out on what I know is really beneficial to me, to my essence, my intrinsic being. The real me. I want to go lose myself in the world again. Live in a façade. The fake me.
It ain’t easy.
I even missed church this past Sunday. I’m trying to reexamine myself and my dependence on church, by not reading the bible or praying, and not going to church. Is this moronic? Heh, no need to answer that.
I haven’t prayed in a few days, even before a meal. I haven’t read the bible in weeks, even when the updates on my Facebook is full of verses from the Bible. I skip by all my favorite christian music in my ipod...
This is only a peep into the abomination I have become in recent weeks. None more to add to this.
Jimmy?
For me this is the time to partake in one deed I deem to be holy. I’m sure everyone who is Christian thinks about the resurrection of Christ, the Easter egg, the bunny, the chocolate filled eggs, and the chocolate filled eggs. Whatever we use as a symbolism in remembrance of the resurrection, the one traditional practice that probably takes place in every church is the communion. We use bread and wine/grape juice to symbolize the body and blood of Christ, and we pray and partake in consuming and praising, to remind ourselves why and how we became saved from our wages of sin that need not be paid.
I’ve been living completely distracted, completely reeling in my old habits, detached, stumbling in my personal connection with God for the past two weeks. Now, I can truly appreciate addicts who goes a month without relapse. I am gradually placing myself away from church and trying to put aside, ignore, and disregard the well being of what I hold most precious in my heart.
My heart doesn’t feel broken when I disregard my own spiritual conscience for the sake of self servitude. Like when I go drinking with some of my old buddies. It’s not very often. In fact, they’ve all moved on with their lives and my absence in whenever they kick it has been accepted, with no real grudges I may add. They’re very much confused when I do call one of them out of the blue, and ask what they’re up to. They always receive my cordialness with a dash of skepticism. They know it’ll come. They want to keep themselves ready for when the looming question arises. Just as when a sales person shoots you compliments before asking you to buy their useless crap, my invitation for them to attend church with me seems to always make them mad for some odd reason, as if I’m trying to sell them something they don’t really need. I’m sure they’re thinking, “silly rabbit, tricks(trix) are for kids”. This question is even brought up in the midst of my drunkenness, which tends to catch them off guard even more so, as in “this guy, how can he have the audacity to ask, all the while completely living like someone who doesn’t profess salvation?”. I literally become enraged and demand it, then we almost get into fist fights, and I might as well have asked them to go Eff themselves. Fail.
At the time, when I fall into certain transgressions, the bit of guilty conscience brought on by the holy spirit, is quickly dissolved by the sights and sounds of worldly amusement and the figures that God has so graciously created, amongst other things that of the opposite sex, alluring and seducing. Yet I only look and don’t bring myself to touch or even make an approach. We exchange looks, but as always, this game that has become so vain in my life, has utterly left me depressed. It never fails, it’s always a lose, lose situation. I come home, and this is when I feel heartbroken. I have regrets, I start reliving the mistakes I made in front of those around me who don’t believe in Jesus. I think about how I became a stumbling block in my friends’ potential to seek out God in their lives through my actions…..and it really feels like someone has smacked me in the heart with a sledgehammer. I can hear the voices, “you hypocrite, you fail, you might as well just say eff it and go back to how you lived in the past”. Don’t worry, I’m not delusional or losing my mind. It’s just the devil trying to bring me down and discourage me. I take reckless days off from church and the voices start.
No one sees the struggle, they only see the trouble.
I like to think all born again Christians, still have within themselves, constant temptations and constant spiritual plight that takes place. Quite frankly, I don’t necessarily like our church because of the awesome message, it’s good don’t get me wrong, but most of the brothers and sisters at our church became saved through scriptures and when they hear sermon that is biblical, how can they or myself take it any way other than good? I love our church because we all acknowledge the fact that we don’t deserve the grace of God and come forth to literally protect ourselves from OURSELVES. Pink reference here, but that line “don’t let me get me, I’m my own worst enemy” is very true. Our church is so boring and nonconforming to cultural and or worldly preferences that it trains me to oblige, in situations where I would normally say heck no to. This is why i love our church, it's unlike the mass majority of other korean churches.......and at the same time, it's also why I don't like certain things about our church.
anyways......
I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t partake in the communion this year. I remember a term that is used to describe this sort of psychological mechanism that we use to dictate our own behavior. Self prophesying. If you tell yourself you’re going to hell, then you’re going to hell. If you constantly tell yourself that you’re going to walk by faith, strolling in the narrow path, even through the temptations and failures, you end up following through on your “self prophecy”. The more I tell myself I shouldn’t do communion, the more I feel myself feeling free to dwell in my flesh, in my sin, in not being repentant. There’s always a chance at fellowship, but I’ve been telling myself I won’t go, hoping I can creep back to my former habits with former friends in my former surroundings…..freely, minus the spiritual conviction and the guilt of missing out on what I know is really beneficial to me, to my essence, my intrinsic being. The real me. I want to go lose myself in the world again. Live in a façade. The fake me.
It ain’t easy.
I even missed church this past Sunday. I’m trying to reexamine myself and my dependence on church, by not reading the bible or praying, and not going to church. Is this moronic? Heh, no need to answer that.
I haven’t prayed in a few days, even before a meal. I haven’t read the bible in weeks, even when the updates on my Facebook is full of verses from the Bible. I skip by all my favorite christian music in my ipod...
This is only a peep into the abomination I have become in recent weeks. None more to add to this.
Jimmy?
